I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.-Carl Jung
This chapter contains a discussion of mental health conditions and sex addiction.
I never thought my bipolar disorder would lead me down the path of sex addiction, but here I am, sharing my story in the hope it might help others who find themselves in a similar situation.
When I was in a manic phase, I felt invincible, like I could conquer the world. My libido went through the roof, and I found myself craving sexual encounters with an intensity that's hard to describe.
It was more than just the physical pleasure, though that's certainly part of it. It was about the rush of dopamine that came with each new conquest, the validation that came from knowing someone found me desirable.
In those moments, I felt like I could do no wrong, like I was vibrant and invincible.
But the highs didn’t last. Eventually, the mania subsided, and I was left with the consequences of my actions.
The shame, the guilt, the fear of what I had exposed myself to.
The realization that I may have hurt people I cared about, betrayed their trust and damaged our relationship.
It was a vicious cycle, one that is all too common among those of us with bipolar disorder. Studies show that people with bipolar are more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, particularly during manic episodes.
We're more likely to have multiple partners, to engage in unprotected sex, and to use sex as a way of self-medicating our intense emotional pain.
But it doesn't have to be this way. With the right treatment and support, it's possible to break the cycle of sex addiction and find healthier ways of coping with the ups and downs of bipolar disorder.
For me, that meant finding a therapist who specialized in both bipolar and sex addiction, someone who could help me understand the root causes of my behavior and develop strategies for managing my impulses.
There were times when I was not honest with my therapist because my libido was in charge of my actions. However, once I began to realize the damage my behaviour was having on me, I found a way to start being honest with her.
It also meant being honest with my loved ones about my struggles, even when it was painful or embarrassing. I had to learn to communicate my needs and boundaries, to ask for help when I needed it, and to be accountable for my actions. There were only a few people I could be this honest with. But it did help to be completely honest with them about my behaviour.
A tool I found helpful during my recover phase, was to write about my feelings and behaviour. This got the feelings and thoughts out of my head and down on paper in black and white. I often transcribed my words into an email addressed to my therapist – for discussion at our next session. It may seem cowardly of me – but it was a good way for me to make my confessions, without feeling the often intense shame that accompanied my behaviour.
One of the most important things I've learned is that recovery is an ongoing process, not a destination. There will be setbacks and challenges along the way, but each day brings new opportunities for growth and healing.
It's not about being perfect, but about being willing to show up and do the work, even when it's hard.
As the famous psychologist Carl Jung once said,
Those words became a mantra for me, a reminder that I had the power to shape my own destiny, no matter what challenges I faced.
There is help available, and there is hope for a better future. Don't be afraid to reach out for support, whether it's from a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend or family member.
Remember, recovery is possible. You are worthy of love and respect, and you have the strength within you to overcome any obstacle.
Take things one day at a time, celebrate your victories, and be kind to yourself when you stumble.
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